Yet, I still feel alone.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Non-Stop
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating but yes, crying from 1 to 5 in the morning until you fall asleep can really make you look like a drug addict.
Anyway, today was really unusual. Tell you later when I wake up. Oh, and I still don't have a name for you. :( I promise, soon! I love you :)
Turning Point?
I really do not know if I'm on the right track. I want to know so bad If I am or I am not. But really, how? If only there is a forward button in my life and check what is really in store for me in the future. Yet, reality says I can't. I'm really having troubles with my life. In the sense that, I do not know if it's worth the risk. I don't want to end up wondering what if and what could have been.
Lord, please just let me know what You want for me. What You made me for. Give me signs. Please.
The Man I Miss The Most
April 4, 2011
2:56 AM
Lolo Zeming,
Happy Birthday! It has been about 6 years when you left us. Everything is going fine. There were a lot of shortcomings, though we managed it pretty well.
When the good Lord got you from us, I was still in 7th grade. Now look, Lolo! I'm in college already. I'm studying Physical Therapy in UERMMMCI where Daddy and Kuya finished Medicine.
Lolo, miss na miss na kita. Hindi ko na alam kung paano magkaroon ng lolo sa tabi. Kasi nung nagkamalay na ako, isip bata na po ikaw eh. Hehe. Not that I'm complaining or anything but I just wished that you took care of me, I just wished that I felt how it is to be taken care of by a lolo. Like how my Daddy takes care of Samantha, Jaco, and Caitlin. But I know Lolo, in time, I will feel how it is. I regret the wasted times before. I should have spent it with you. :'(
Lolo, please be my guardian angel. Kahit hanggang dun lang muna because I know that you're with Him already together with my other grandparents.
I love you so much, Lolo!!! And God knows how much I cry whenever I miss you. I know you're already happy. Pakasaya ka pa po diyan, ha? :)
I love you
I love you
I love you
Your second to the youngest apo,
Abigail
...
Binalikan kita kasi mahal kita and takot akong mawala ka. Na habang friends lang tayo, may mag effort sayo and ma-fall ka. Eh alam kong mabilis kang ma-fall pag may umeeffort sayo or like sweet sayo. Takot akong mangyari yun.
About naman kay A. Sabi mo sakin dati, "hindi ko kakausapin si nico kung di mo kakausapin si A. Kaya mo?" Okay, nag seselos ka kay A pero never kong nagustuhan si A. Nag seselos ako dun sa isa kasi nagustuhan mo siya habang tayo. See the difference? Maiintindihan ko sana kung nagustuhan ko si A tapos yun yung sasabihin mo sakin, pero hindi eh.
Again, yung sa "issue" natin lagi, as in naappreciate ko yung mga effort mo like pag hinahantay mo ako from school, pag pumupunta ka dito, etc. Medyo nagiging over na ako pero pag nag cocomment pa rin kayo sa isa't isa, bumabalik tas mawawala din naman. Ang hindi ko lang alam kung hanggang kailan pa ako magiging completely over sa "issue" na yun. Dahil dun, naging paranoid na ako. Kinakabahan ako tuwing ichcheck ko yung FB mo. And oo, alam ko na sasabihin mo na friends kasi kayo, pero yung fact na siya yung lagi nating pinagaawayan, yung fact na siya yung cause kung bakit tayo nag break, yung fact na una pa lang pinaghihinalaan na kita&/siya, di ko maintindihan bakit di mo siya kayang kausapin. Di ko maintindihan bakit di mo kayang di mo siya kausapin. Fine, ganun ka sa lahat ng tao, alam ko yun, pero iba siya eh. Sana magets mo na issue natin siya. Nagkaroon ka ng feelings sa kanya so, di siya "normal" person sa relationship na 'to. Yun lang naman hinihingi ko dati pa eh, and sana dahil dun, natulungan akong makagetover ng mabilis.
Again, yung efforts mo naappreciate ko. Pero yung efforts mo sa communication niyo nung lalakeng yun, sobrang nakukulangan pa din ako. Yun lang hinihingi ko sayo ng matagal na. Aware kang nasasaktan ako tuwing naguusap kayo in any way, na tuwing nangyayari yun naalala ko na naman lahat, pero ginagawa mo pa din. Siguro sasabihin mo na hindi pa ba enough yung love mo sa akin para mapatunayan na wala na talaga. Well, alam kong mahal mo ako 100%, okay. Pero hindi mo pa rin naman maalis sakin yung trauma eh. I don't know why you can't do it. I don't know, but there might be a reason (more than being friendly) why you can't.
Alam kong ang selfish ko na ngayon ko lang sinabi, pero yun nga, natatakot lang talaga ako.
Yung sa "pinapamigay" na kita, I was at the height of my emotions and again, natatakot din ako. Natatakot ako na in the end, iiwan mo din naman ako dahil sa attitude problem/anger management ko. Nasasaktan kita dahil dun, and ayaw ko naman na tumagal pa yun.
And yung sa sinabi mo naman sa akin last night, sobrang sakit nun. Na alam mo na ngang may problema ako, sasabihin mo pa sa akin na may sayad ako sa utak. Seriously Miriam, as in gusto ko na magpakamatay kagabi/the other night. Kasi nafeel ko na ang wala kong kwentang tao kasi sabi mo na may sayad ako sa utak. This may sound odd but I've had (suicidal) tendencies before. Ewan ko kung maniniwala ka and feel ko pag tatawanan mo lang kasi parang ang babaw naman, pero totoo. And I'm not even sure kung na-outgrow ko na yun.
I know I've hurt you many, many, many times already. From mood swings to the issue. I'm sorry. Ayoko na nga minsan mag sorry kasi alam kong yun na lang at yun ang nangyayari pero sorry pa din. I just want you to know na I do not do it on purpose. I just can't control myself and I don't know what to do about it.
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