I’m always finding my time looking for the perfect inspiration - the one who I would look up to and the one who I want to be like in the long run. I’m always searching for a motivation to live my life, to get me pumped up and fuel my passion. I’m always waiting for the perfect time to make my dreams come true – waiting for the moment where I can do all the things I want to do that I am so passionate with. All these waiting, searching, and looking takes up a whole lot of time from me. I’d say, maybe I’m just looking for ways to delay things? Maybe I’m just making excuses because god-forbid how lazy I am.

Tomorrow starts today. Why look for an inspiration when I can be THE inspiration? Why wait for a motivation when I CAN motivate myself? Why wait for the perfect timing when every second counts?

I’m so good with things like this. Inspirational essays, motivational “talks”… you name it. But executing it? That would be my main waterloo. I do not know why I’m so lazy doing things that would benefit me. I’m always stuck up in my room doing unnecessary things. I’m always busy planning for the future that my present becomes the past. I’m always searching for ways to have a good future that I can’t do something at the present.

I must do something about this. Or else, I will never be happy with life. 

Missing

adj.

1.

a. Not present; absent.

b. Lost: a missing person; soldiers missing in action.

2. Lacking; wanting: This book has 12 missing pages.

adj

1. not present; absent or lost

2. not able to be traced and not known to be dead nine men were missing after the attack

go missing to become lost or disappear

Source: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/missing on March 6, 2011 at 2:06 AM

Very appropriate.

Here we go again

Putangina bakit mo ba kasi siya kinakausap omg

That's all.

Procrastination

If I love what I'm doing, I wouldn't even know the meaning of it.

...or I'm definitely just making an excuse.

Yes, good point.

Anonymity

Being invisible to the world just isn't my thing -- but I am. I feel invisible in the sense that nobody cares. That whatever I do will always be just good, but never better nor best. Sometimes, I pity myself for it. But, on the other hand, being invisible makes me know that there are, at least, few people that notice me, people who are worth it to be treasured in my invisible world.

Silence

I hear my dad snoring, some motor passing by our street, the keyboard while I'm typing, and the ticking of the clock. But something's just too loud in this time of the night -- the silence of it. This silence is so loud. You know, like the sound of a high frequency thing?

I wonder, how many people, in this time of the night, experiencing this too? What are they thinking? Are they thinking deep thoughts, too? Just curious.

Oh, the joy of curiosity.

"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious."
Albert Einstein

Leo

Leos are usually very generous and helpful. They love to spoil friends, family and romantic partners, buying extravagant gifts or blowing their money on a good time. Most are excellent cooks, and they enjoy feeding others.

Leos can’t resist luxuries and the good life, even if they can’t afford it. They feel that they need to have the best and that everyone they like should have the best as well.

Sensitive and Moody

Although moody, Leos tend to be optimistic most of the time. However, Leos that receive insufficient attention can grow depressed and sullen. Leos also sulk in response to minor slights, particularly blows to their pride, but they tend to recover quickly. Quick to anger and quick to forgive, most Leos wear their hearts on their sleeves. While they might exaggerate, they are not inclined to lie unless the ascendant falls in a more secretive or deceptive sign.

Strong and Athletic

Most Leos are athletic and energetic, and they love a challenge, physical or otherwise. Leos tend to be physically strong and usually have good musculature. Many look a bit like lions, with smooth cheekbones, large faces, thick wavy hair and catlike eyes. Leo tends to be an attractive sign, with the only flaw being a tendency to put on excess weight due to overindulgence. Most Leos eat and drink too much.

Creative and Attention Seeking

A combination of creativity and a need for the spotlight suits many Leos to careers that involve either performance or working with the public in some capacity. Leos have many dramatic talents, which leads some of them into the film industry or related professions. They love to be the center of attention and the idea of fame and stardom particularly appeals to this sign.

Confident and Extroverted

The confident, sunny Leo nature often ensures popularity. Leos are very sociable and love to throw and attend parties. They also love to talk, and some have a tendency to brag or be pompous. Negative Leo types can be bullying, snobbish, patronizing and conceited, dominating conversations and individuals. However, the Leo confidence, or overconfidence, more often manifests as charisma and risk taking than bullying behaviour.

Leo popularity is enhanced by a tendency to share time, energy, money and affection with others. All they require in return is to receive a larger share of affection than the average person.

Vain and Assertive

Leos are very concerned with their appearances. Often the confident, capable Leo persona covers some degree of low self-esteem or worries about attractiveness and other personal traits. Despite these occasional bouts of worry, Leos are good at promoting themselves and marketing their considerable talents. They are assertive enough to get what they want out of life, and most are talented enough to achieve much of what they set their minds to. Although they can be lazy around the house, they are hardworking and driven when something interests them.

Passionate and Protective

Leos are very passionate and sensual. In love, they are romantic. They are also ferociously protective of friends, lovers and family, and most are willing to die for what they believe in. Their passion often extends to patriotism as well.

Leo’s passionate nature can manifest as belligerence in negative types. Some Leos are argumentative or domineering, while others pick their battles wisely. Most are good fighters, both in a verbal argument and in a physical confrontation. Because they are highly reactive and emotionally intense, Leos often react impulsively to emotionally charged situations and live to regret it.

High Need for Excitement

Leos love flashy cars and exciting people. They usually dress to get noticed, and are bold enough to make statements, verbal or otherwise. They have the guts to put themselves forward and don’t mind the whole world looking at them. In fact, they prefer it. They crave a little danger, which makes them natural risk-takers, sometimes excessively so. Unless the ascendant is in an earth sign, Leos tend to be drawn to extreme sports, and in some cases, stormy romantic affairs with highly unsuitable partners.

Leadership Ability

Except for the emotional need for a mate and the intellectual need for an audience, Leos are independent and entrepreneurial, and often succeed in businesses of their own. Even when working for others, Leos often rise through the ranks to end up in positions of authority. Because Leos have such excellent natural leadership skills, people often look to them for guidance. Leos must guard against letting this going to their heads, as well as repressing their natural inclination to be bossy both at work and at home.

Altruistic and Warm-Hearted

Leo is a sign that is cut out for heroics due to the combination of bravery, altruism, protectiveness and the need to be admired that the majority of Leos possess. Leos will stop to help someone in need, and if they have money, most have a tendency toward philanthropy. Leos are usually quite soft-hearted and have a particular fondness for children and animals.

Source: http://www.suite101.com/content/leo-personality-profile-a58941 on March 7, 2011 at 2:20 AM

5 in a row

Two thumbs up for me for posting 5 blogs in a row. I just hope I'll be a consistent blogger. So, there. Good night, Bloggy! By the way, I think I should change your name cause Bloggy's so mediocre. Don't you think? Okay, give me a day or two and I'll come back with your new name.

9 am class! Must sleep now. Again, good night! I love you and thank you for keeping up with my thoughts. :)

One of The Nights

I am surrounded by people; family, friends, acquaintances.

Yet, I still feel alone.

Here I Am Again

...Procrastinating. I refuse to study! Why do I have to study... :( Ugh, damn.

Tornado in My Head

...

Non-Stop

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating but yes, crying from 1 to 5 in the morning until you fall asleep can really make you look like a drug addict.

Anyway, today was really unusual. Tell you later when I wake up. Oh, and I still don't have a name for you. :( I promise, soon! I love you :)

Turning Point?

I really do not know if I'm on the right track. I want to know so bad If I am or I am not. But really, how? If only there is a forward button in my life and check what is really in store for me in the future. Yet, reality says I can't. I'm really having troubles with my life. In the sense that, I do not know if it's worth the risk. I don't want to end up wondering what if and what could have been.

Lord, please just let me know what You want for me. What You made me for. Give me signs. Please.

The Man I Miss The Most

April 4, 2011

2:56 AM

Lolo Zeming,

Happy Birthday! It has been about 6 years when you left us. Everything is going fine. There were a lot of shortcomings, though we managed it pretty well.

When the good Lord got you from us, I was still in 7th grade. Now look, Lolo! I'm in college already. I'm studying Physical Therapy in UERMMMCI where Daddy and Kuya finished Medicine.

Lolo, miss na miss na kita. Hindi ko na alam kung paano magkaroon ng lolo sa tabi. Kasi nung nagkamalay na ako, isip bata na po ikaw eh. Hehe. Not that I'm complaining or anything but I just wished that you took care of me, I just wished that I felt how it is to be taken care of by a lolo. Like how my Daddy takes care of Samantha, Jaco, and Caitlin. But I know Lolo, in time, I will feel how it is. I regret the wasted times before. I should have spent it with you. :'(

Lolo, please be my guardian angel. Kahit hanggang dun lang muna because I know that you're with Him already together with my other grandparents.

I love you so much, Lolo!!! And God knows how much I cry whenever I miss you. I know you're already happy. Pakasaya ka pa po diyan, ha? :)

I love you

I love you

I love you

Your second to the youngest apo,

Abigail

...

Binalikan kita kasi mahal kita and takot akong mawala ka. Na habang friends lang tayo, may mag effort sayo and ma-fall ka. Eh alam kong mabilis kang ma-fall pag may umeeffort sayo or like sweet sayo. Takot akong mangyari yun.

About naman kay A. Sabi mo sakin dati, "hindi ko kakausapin si nico kung di mo kakausapin si A. Kaya mo?" Okay, nag seselos ka kay A pero never kong nagustuhan si A. Nag seselos ako dun sa isa kasi nagustuhan mo siya habang tayo. See the difference? Maiintindihan ko sana kung nagustuhan ko si A tapos yun yung sasabihin mo sakin, pero hindi eh.

Again, yung sa "issue" natin lagi, as in naappreciate ko yung mga effort mo like pag hinahantay mo ako from school, pag pumupunta ka dito, etc. Medyo nagiging over na ako pero pag nag cocomment pa rin kayo sa isa't isa, bumabalik tas mawawala din naman. Ang hindi ko lang alam kung hanggang kailan pa ako magiging completely over sa "issue" na yun. Dahil dun, naging paranoid na ako. Kinakabahan ako tuwing ichcheck ko yung FB mo. And oo, alam ko na sasabihin mo na friends kasi kayo, pero yung fact na siya yung lagi nating pinagaawayan, yung fact na siya yung cause kung bakit tayo nag break, yung fact na una pa lang pinaghihinalaan na kita&/siya, di ko maintindihan bakit di mo siya kayang kausapin. Di ko maintindihan bakit di mo kayang di mo siya kausapin. Fine, ganun ka sa lahat ng tao, alam ko yun, pero iba siya eh. Sana magets mo na issue natin siya. Nagkaroon ka ng feelings sa kanya so, di siya "normal" person sa relationship na 'to. Yun lang naman hinihingi ko dati pa eh, and sana dahil dun, natulungan akong makagetover ng mabilis.

Again, yung efforts mo naappreciate ko. Pero yung efforts mo sa communication niyo nung lalakeng yun, sobrang nakukulangan pa din ako. Yun lang hinihingi ko sayo ng matagal na. Aware kang nasasaktan ako tuwing naguusap kayo in any way, na tuwing nangyayari yun naalala ko na naman lahat, pero ginagawa mo pa din. Siguro sasabihin mo na hindi pa ba enough yung love mo sa akin para mapatunayan na wala na talaga. Well, alam kong mahal mo ako 100%, okay. Pero hindi mo pa rin naman maalis sakin yung trauma eh. I don't know why you can't do it. I don't know, but there might be a reason (more than being friendly) why you can't.

Alam kong ang selfish ko na ngayon ko lang sinabi, pero yun nga, natatakot lang talaga ako.

Yung sa "pinapamigay" na kita, I was at the height of my emotions and again, natatakot din ako. Natatakot ako na in the end, iiwan mo din naman ako dahil sa attitude problem/anger management ko. Nasasaktan kita dahil dun, and ayaw ko naman na tumagal pa yun.

And yung sa sinabi mo naman sa akin last night, sobrang sakit nun. Na alam mo na ngang may problema ako, sasabihin mo pa sa akin na may sayad ako sa utak. Seriously Miriam, as in gusto ko na magpakamatay kagabi/the other night. Kasi nafeel ko na ang wala kong kwentang tao kasi sabi mo na may sayad ako sa utak. This may sound odd but I've had (suicidal) tendencies before. Ewan ko kung maniniwala ka and feel ko pag tatawanan mo lang kasi parang ang babaw naman, pero totoo. And I'm not even sure kung na-outgrow ko na yun.

I know I've hurt you many, many, many times already. From mood swings to the issue. I'm sorry. Ayoko na nga minsan mag sorry kasi alam kong yun na lang at yun ang nangyayari pero sorry pa din. I just want you to know na I do not do it on purpose. I just can't control myself and I don't know what to do about it. 

From Tumblr Long Time Ago

We took a break. A break from all the fights, misunderstandings, and cold nights. A month and a half after the “take-a-break-date”. In the middle of it, not much has changed… Treated each other quite the same *I am hating how each sentences rhyme :|*. I was determined to win you back — to bring US back, the OLD US back. I was pretty much confident with it, cause I know that I AM (..or was?) the only one. We promised each other. Oh scratch that, we told each other that we’ll wait, that we’re the only ones for each other. Heartfelt as it is, I believed and hoped that everything’ll be fine. That we’ll be together again. I expected. I gave you my trust. But what did you do? In denial, you said. It’s funny how you consider it as something not bothersome. Do you really expect me not to care about that in denial thing?

I don’t know a thing anymore. I don’t know what to believe in and who to trust.

Am I being cursed?

Am I not allowed to be happy?

To be treated the same?

What did I do to deserve this?

Oh, yeah. I treated you like crap. Who am I kidding? I know it’s my fault. It is and will ALWAYS be my fault when it comes to issues like this.

Between us, I thought you were the one who isn't capable of doing this. Well, yeah, surprise for me.

I DO NOT KNOW WHO TO TRUST ANYMORE.

Trust issues, here we go again.

Self-esteem issues, nice to see you again.

Coffee and nicotine, hello my current best friends.

That last blog post was a trash. Deleted it.

Tagaytay Swirls

Random stuff that is on my mind at the moment...

- Year 3000 by Busted, will it actually be real?

- Homophobs... I do not get you at all. All your arguments are invalid.

- I'm actually moving on now, I hope you do too.

- I am in dire need of new earphones.

- I just ate a lot in this trip. I ate chips, I ate rice, I drank Caramel Frap, I drank Iced Green Tea... 30 minutes isn't enough.

- I will defs gonna make it up next week. Every-fucking-day of gym until I get all sore. Srsly.

- Why am I itching so much...?

- Why is my dad still sleeping? He has been asleep for 3 hours already.

- Night swimming? Hmmm. Yes, if the sky is gonna be clear tonight. And there should be a whole lot of stars.

- Last time we stayed here, there were too many stars. Really perfect for night swimming.

- Oh, and there were shooting stars, too.

- Cigarettes are so boring, but I'm addicted to those cancer sticks.

- Am I still on the right track? Physical Therapy seems to be a "woah" course, but then, Idk, I just think I wouldn't excel on it.

- Arts will always be in my heart.

- I kinda want to be a zoo keeper.

- My niece, 3 years of age, is currently playing Nick Jr. games. Damn, kids nowadays. When I was 3, I play Play Doughs

- I don't want to be in a relationship with you again so please, move on. I feel really guilty when you're all sad and blue because of me. Especially now your birthday's coming up...

- I fucking need to lose many pounds.

- I want to take a cigarette now

- What happened to dancing? I used to be so passionate about it.

- I easily get intimidated by outspoken people.

- And attractive ones too

- I want to longboard

- I'm having a hard time explaining myself since day one, so I keep my mouth shut and keep my thoughts all to myself. And I pity myself for it.

- What the actual fuck, my whole body is fucking itchy

- There's a deeper meaning to the song Remembering Sunday by All Time Low

- People think I'm normal, but no I am not. I think deep, bruh.

- Why's Dora big headed? Literally.

- I want to have a Canon dSLR, and be a Photographer

- People's judgement actually matter

- I have a really low self-esteem

That's it. Well, actually, no. There are way too many things in my mind.

Okay, bye!

P.S. I'm still itching. Wtf...

I need new people in my life

Just saying.

Message

The picture speaks for itself